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Old 11-10-2011, 06:54 AM   #1
Mayu_Zane
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Default Mayu Writes About His Life.

I am not sure if this is the right time and place to say it, but here goes:

For the past three years, I've been seeing visions of people I know and love getting killed in violent ways. It happens at random times, but as the days went on they became more frequent.

I keep seeing folks like my dad, my mom, my cousins, my friends, everyone I care about die in horrible ways and somehow I'm always 'too late' to stop it.

I know it's not real, and that's how I've been able to control it and hid it from everyone, but it's reached the point where I am literally crying every night because I can't bear the thought of losing these people and not being able to do anything to stop it. These obsessive thoughts are affecting my life.

I'm going to go and get help. Up until now I've been terrified about what might happen if I finally tell people what's wrong, but now I realize that I need help and I need to stop pretending I'm okay.

So that's it, then. I'm going to meet dad tomorrow and then we'll see where this goes.
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:17 AM   #2
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So wait, in dreams or while you're awake?
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:22 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mega View Post
So wait, in dreams or while you're awake?
Both.

When I'm awake I get obsessive thoughts about people dying, when I'm asleep it takes the form of a nightmare where I'm forced to watch someone die while I'm unable to do anything.

It happens more frequently at night, especially before I'm going to sleep.

I don't know why I'm seeing this, why I keep seeing this, and the fact that I don't know terrifies me.

Right now I'm just struggling to sleep.

I'm scared.

I'm really really fucking scared. I don't know why this is happening and it just keeps getting worse.
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:25 AM   #4
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I kinda get where you're coming from.

Good to know you're going to get help for it though.
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:30 AM   #5
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Holy shit, that is terrible. I really hope everything turns out alright and you can get some kind of help Mayu, since you're a cool dude and I can't even imagine what you're going through.
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:39 AM   #6
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You're handling this right, confronting it is good. I'm sending all the positives I can your way, I hope it helps.

If you need someone to vent to, feel free. I'm a good listener.
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:42 AM   #7
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I'm not sure what to say.

I'd like to say I've dealt with similar things, but I haven't. The closest I can say is being OCD, growing up, I'd often feel I'd have to do this or that repeatedly or someone in my family might get hurt or die. I'd have to knock on my wooden bed frame while I watched my mom drive down the street through the window, until she was out of sight, or something might happen to her. I'd have to check on my family members while they slept, repeatedly and in a cycle, until it got to a point where I'd have to force myself to go to bed myself about a dozen or so cycles later. I'd have to skip every step up the stairs that I'd be taking with my right foot so that I wouldn't feel like, hey, I might kill someone by not doing this. This always seemed to be in response to me trying my best to tell my brain to knock it off when the compulsions were less severe, like it was doing it's best to convince me to give in... or else.

I can't say I've ever had visions. I can't even imagine how that would feel. It's good that you're getting help. I honestly don't know what to suggest other than just talking to people about it. Especially family and friends.
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Old 11-10-2011, 07:43 AM   #8
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Are these actual hallucinations that you're seeing while awake, or just particularly vivid dreams? Either way I can't imagine how horrible something like that must be for you. I hope you can find good help, and it's definitely for the best. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about it, or feel the need to hide it either. It's a problem with your body like any other illness is, and all anyone should be concerned about is getting you better.

So I hope you get better, too!
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Old 11-11-2011, 07:16 AM   #9
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Good luck, man.
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Old 11-11-2011, 09:44 AM   #10
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That's awful. Really don't know what else to say. I hope you're able to get those visions to go away.
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Old 11-11-2011, 11:09 AM   #11
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I wish you luck with your problem. That's one of the worst things someone can possibly deal with, especially if it's vivid visions; horrifying ones at that.
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Old 11-11-2011, 11:32 AM   #12
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That sounds pretty terrible. Ever since I was taken to my grandfather's funeral when I was too young to remember, I've always had this overwhelming sense of personal responsibility for the well-being of people I know. If they get hurt, I'd feel like there should've been something I could have been able to do to prevent it even if there was nothing I could do about it. I can't really imagine what it'd be like to have visions like that. I'd probably have a few mental breakdowns by now.

Good luck. Glad you're taking the step to try and see someone about it. That's the right course of action. If it were me, I'd probably keep hiding it, even to my detriment, and that really wouldn't be the healthy thing to do.
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Old 11-11-2011, 12:27 PM   #13
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Wow... I'm really sorry. I can't even imagine going through that... Glad you're getting help though. Really hope everything turns out okay for you.
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Old 11-11-2011, 02:06 PM   #14
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Good lord Mayu, you poor soul. It takes guts for you to endure this horrifying condition for so long. You're either very stupid or very strong. I consider you a brilliant man so you're probably more of the latter.

Cripes man, I mean I'm horrified and worried and all but at the same time so impressed!
How long would the average person have gone with those nightmares until they snapped!? Me, I woulda' probably endured it for a year, tops. I would've probably done something I shouldn't have done... But you, you've gone and lived with these terrifying thoughts popping up at random intervals ALONG WITH THE LIFE-LIKE NIGHTMARES and just went on your merry way for three long years! Good show! Not only that but you're biting the big one by actually telling folks and letting them do what they want with you... I hope we get to see you soon, Mayu. Good luck with everything.

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Old 11-14-2011, 06:47 AM   #15
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Thanks everyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StevenFC View Post
Are these actual hallucinations that you're seeing while awake, or just particularly vivid dreams? Either way I can't imagine how horrible something like that must be for you. I hope you can find good help, and it's definitely for the best. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about it, or feel the need to hide it either. It's a problem with your body like any other illness is, and all anyone should be concerned about is getting you better.
It's not quite hallucinating, it's more like having a thought so vivid that it's hard not to get distracted. It's like a memory of something that never happened and it keeps happening, and fighting it or trying to ignore it only makes it worse.

I talked to a counselor first, and after a conversation he decided it was best for me to meet a psychiatrist, which I did today.

I've been diagnosed with severe OCD, currently suffering from 'fake guilt', which basically means I feel guilty about things that weren't ever really my fault in the first place. I've been prescribed some medication which I'll start taking tomorrow.

I actually feel... relieved. The psychiatrist's exact words were: "You are not mad. I know this because you know that these thoughts, these feelings are 'wrong'. If you were crazy, you wouldn't be aware of what's happening to you, you'd think nothing was wrong, unfortunately that means people in your condition suffer more since they're fully aware of what's going on."

It... shit, me having OCD explains a lot of things. I keep checking stuff, especially locks. After I've locked a door, for example, I will always be in doubt about whether or not I've actually locked it until about the freaking tenth time I've turned the knob.

I actually feel a lot more 'in-control' when I'm drawing and writing. I should do more of that. I just can't help but feel like I'm a little anchovy trying to fight sharks every time I do, though.

Also, it turns out that I really, really have a thing for numbers: For no reason whatsoever, I want all number 3's to be followed by an '8' because 'three-eight' sounds right to me.

For example, a phone number that goes something like 2358... should be 'fixed' to 2385.

As for fake guilt... well... I do feel like I'm a worthless human being a lot. Every single time something bad happens I can't help but feel like it's my fault somehow, even if people tell me it isn't. I always feel like I don't deserve to have anything good happen to me.

You know how most men, if they find an attractive woman who's interested in him, they immediately fall for it and think she really is going to give him a chance? Like she really does have a crush on him and wants to go on a date or something?

In my case, my first thoughts in a situation like that is "Is she trying to kill me? Why the hell would someone this hot talk to me? There must be a trick. Am I being watched? Should I run away? There is no goddamn way someone like me deserves someone this hot" etc. etc.

tl;dr I've got a loooooooooooot of issues, but seeing a psychiatrist really helped.
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Old 11-14-2011, 06:59 AM   #16
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Well, it sounds at least closer to what I've been through then. >>;;

I was thinking you were having hallucinations. That would be crazy. Still, what you're dealing with sounds more severe than what I've put up with. OCD for me tended to always get worse before it got better. Normally, I'd have little rituals... like setting a glass down on the table, continuously, until it felt right and I could let go of it. I don't generally work in numbers, threes or any of that crap. For me, it's always until something either feels right enough to stop or until I force myself to stop. Setting cups down, checking locks, checking family members, going through books repeatedly and making sure no corners on the pages were folded, double knotting my shoes and jerking on the laces several times until they are right, picking up and setting down chairs I'm sitting in until they felt right, etc.

I dealt with this a lot growing up. I don't much these days, unless I'm under a lot of stress or excited, be it a good excited or a bad excited. Anything that gets me anxious starts it up, but I do my best to ignore it. The thoughts of, well, if I don't do this, horrible things could happen to people I love... they always seemed to show up when I'd try to ignore the smaller compulsions I talked about above. Like my OCD was a monkey on my back that would get really angry when I didn't feed it. It eventually calmed down when I got over that hump, though. Or maybe it did with age. I don't really know. All I know is that I don't deal with it anywhere near as much as I did over a decade ago.

I dunno if it's the same for you at all, but maybe you've been trying to ignore your lesser compulsions lately and it's made it worse for you?
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Old 11-14-2011, 02:36 PM   #17
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That really sucks, Mayu. I can't imagine how horrible that must be. I hope the medication helps.
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Old 11-14-2011, 06:40 PM   #18
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Sounds a lot like depression/anxiety to me... Anything going in life that could be upsetting you? Something weighing heavy on you?

I know as a kid I had obsessive thoughts of my parents dying all sorts of ways when they broke up and I cried like every night because I thought I lost them, and I obsessively thought about losing one or the other do them splitting up. The dreams were all do to actual life struggles going on at the time for me. I would figure something in your life would create the same inner turmoil or something which irrupted into your dreams, which caused your to obsessively think about it do to the repetitious dreams you would have about it.

But I could be horribly wrong...

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Old 11-20-2011, 10:48 AM   #19
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Hey Mayu. Dunno if we ever talked much while I was an active part of the community, but I wanted to respond to say that I'm sort of in the same boat as you and wish you the best. I've had OCD since I was about 5; I've done all of the things you've done plus some. Recently, I've been battling an extensive campaign with anxiety and depression by myself for the most part, and it's just not working out.

The way your psychiatrist said it was perfect: "If you were crazy, you wouldn't be aware of what's happening to you, you'd think nothing was wrong, unfortunately that means people in your condition suffer more since they're fully aware of what's going on." That's... exactly how I feel. I used to always just label myself "weird" and "crazy," but with all this stuff that's been happening, I truly feel that I'm going insane. The worst part? I don't even have to think about stuff for it to start making me worried or upset; it's out of my control. Though, like you mentioned, involving and artistic tasks, such as writing [and music, for me], help to relieve some symptoms. It's just... so much more than thinking away everything :/

So yeah, I'm with you. I dunno where you stand with religion and all that, but I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm glad that the psych visit helped; I'm going to see a medical doctor first this week sometime to make sure it's not anything truly wrong with me physically instead of mentally (though it definitely could be both). Take care, bro.
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Old 12-04-2011, 10:43 PM   #20
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Thanks for your concern, I hope you will recover as well. I'm going for a therapy session this Wednesday (7th December 2011), partially to also figure out if they should change my dosage.

I haven't suffered any of the side effects, though I did have a few suicidal thoughts, but thankfully they weren't persistent. Even before the medication I always did have thoughts like "What if I just fell off this thing?" or something like that, so it could just be my OCD instead of the medication.

You know, the couple of days before I met the psychiatrist, I actually wanted every single car on the street I saw to just hit me. I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the thoughts to stop. For some stupid reason I thought getting hit by a car would help.

For the first time in my life, I want to shout it out loud: I really, really want to live.
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Old 12-04-2011, 11:02 PM   #21
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I'm glad you do. Hope you make some progress Wednesday.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:54 AM   #22
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I'm rooting for you, Mayu. I wish you the best of luck, comrade.
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Old 12-05-2011, 06:33 AM   #23
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I hope you get better Mayu. You are a really amazing person with a lot of talent, and I enjoy looking at your pictures that you make and appreciate being able to see them.
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Old 12-10-2011, 12:19 AM   #24
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Thank you again for all your kind wishes, friends.

My medication's been extended and I have another appointment on the 21st December 2011. I'll most likely be put through some kind of behavior therapy for some time. So far things are going well. I don't feel anxious so much and I've stopped imagining people dying all the time.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:53 AM   #25
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That's good. Hope the good news continues.
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Old 12-10-2011, 10:45 AM   #26
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Glad you're getting better, man. Hope it just stays on the up and up for you.

I don't even speak to you at all, but I worry!
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Old 12-10-2011, 06:01 PM   #27
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Glad things are starting to get better. Stick to those meds and therapy! I was surprised at how much it helped me when I went. Way more than I had expected.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:31 PM   #28
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Just thought people would like an update:

Things are getting better, though I've been having problems getting up in the morning, most likely due to the diazepam I take at night. Haven't been able to draw during mornings these days, usually I start sketching and stuff around 2-3pm.

I feel a lot more relaxed now, and looking forward to February and March. In February I'll be attending a Master Designer Workshop and in March I'll start my tuition in Dynamic Sketching and Digital Painting at Feng Zhu's design school.

I used to get really depressed looking at everyone else's work, since I'm older and I don't think of myself as a very good artist, but I'm remembering the times when I actually did give up on drawing and it only made me more miserable and sink my time into nothing but youtube videos and videogames.

So now I'm learning to manage my condition and trying my best to study and practice art and design. I want to make a living out of drawing and painting. I want to be like Jack Vettriano, who started to learn how to draw on his 21st birthday and still managed to become a professional painter.

It's true that it's better to start early, but I'm becoming more convinced that it's not too late for me to chase after my dream of becoming a professional concept artist. And that's helped a lot with me dealing with my condition.

I want to live, I want to learn, and that's just absolutely fantastic.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:43 PM   #29
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You're really, really good at drawing and art. Don't let anyone tell you different.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:48 PM   #30
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There's nothing wrong with starting at art later in life dawg. Just work at it and keep practicing.

Is drawing in the morning really beneficial? I almost never do.. or even really CAN. lol. ;w;

But glad you are doing better and everything, too. Been lurking this and keeping an eye on progress and stuff!
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